8-8:31PM CBS, TV-14-D
How I Met Your Mother
Phil Simms and Jim Nantz do voice-over commentary about Barney's dating life. Guys, this is a family-hour show, so let's avoid mentions of ''touchdowns.''

8-9PM Fox, TV-14-DLS
House
Last year we saw Princeton-Plainsboro from Wilson's point of view. Tonight it's all about Cuddy, the hospital's put-upon administrator, and her hectic schedule battling insurance companies and pill-peddling doctors. We love Lisa Edelstein — she makes exasperation look sexy — so we're diagnosing this episode as a B+. —Benjamin Svetkey

9-10PM NBC, TV-14
Season finale
Heroes
In the finale of yet another underwhelming season, Noah and Claire are stuck in a bad situation trying to stay alive. Metaphor for your show much?

10-11PM ABC, TV-PG-DV
Castle
There's a dead baseball player and an appearance by Joe Torre. Don't get too excited, Steinbrenner boys. He didn't do it.

8-9PM Fox, TV-PG-DL
American Idol
Hollywood Week is here! Let the fighting, crying, tantruming — and, oh right, singing — begin!

9-10PM ABC, TV-14-V
Lost
I've got three words for you obsessive Lost fans: ''What Kate Does.'' Is it merely the title of tonight's episode or something more? I'd go for option A, but I bet Doc Jensen's mind is spinning.

10-11PM CBS, TV-PG-LSV
The Good Wife
Who's with me that Kalinda is officially the best character on TV? I have no doubt she'll score the key piece of evidence in tonight's case of the guy who may have murdered his babysitter. And she'll look way hot doing it.

8-9PM Travel
Samantha Brown Fan-a-thon
Samantha Brown celebrates 10 years at the Travel Channel with this new special, where she counts down her fans' favorite moments. My favorite moment? Brown dressed like a pirate making the patrons at a local pub in the Florida Keys very uncomfortable with her pirate speak. Did I say ''favorite moment''? I meant ''moment I was most glad I am not Samantha Brown.''

8-9PM NBC
Mercy
Veronica and Sands' official first date is delayed when Veronica finds herself in the middle of a robbery. Something tells me it's just not in the cards for these two. I mean, can you imagine what kind of trouble she'd get into if they tried to get married?

8-9PM PBS
A Celebration of Music From the Civil Rights Movement
Jennifer Hudson, John Legend, and Seal perform civil-rights-era songs for the president and Michelle Obama at the White House.

8-10PM Fox, TV-14-LV
Past Life
She's a psychologist who believes in ''past-life trauma''! He's an ex-cop-turned-detective! Richard Schiff wanders in from The West Wing to be their boss! Together, they make a lotta hooey! Their clients have debilitating visions that also help the heroes solve crimes. Thing is, star Kelli Giddish is so distractingly pretty and charming, even to other characters, that it adds a layer of deconstructive interest to a silly series. (The pilot first airs on Tuesday, but repeats tonight along with a second episode.) C+ —Ken Tucker

9-10PM CW, TV-14-DLV
Supernatural
Couples start killing each other on Valentine's Day. See? Be happy you're single this year. It just might save your life!

9-10:01PM ABC, TV-14
Grey's Anatomy
The roof collapses on a restaurant where the doctors were going to have their Valentine's Day dates. What happened to happy Valentine's Day episodes? I'm half-expecting Bachelor Jake to say ''Screw it. I'd rather be single.''

9:30PM-10PM NBC, TV-14
30 Rock
Jon Bon Jovi appears as himself. I'd like to say he finds love with Liz Lemon, but I know tonight she's getting a root canal.

10-11PM Lifetime, TV-PG
Project Runway
Tonight's winning look will be worn on the cover of April's Marie Claire. Or, as Heidi calls it, ''Marry Claire.''

10-11PM Bravo
The Real Housewives of Orange County
The ladies get mad at Alexis for texting during dinner. Yeah, it's rude, but what's the alternative? Listening to that dinner conversation?

8-9PM The CW
Smallville
Smallville takes aim at its own fans with an episode set at a comic-book convention, but the satire is smart and sweet. Proto-Superman Clark (Tom Welling) teams up with magician-in-fishnets heroine Zatanna (Serinda Swan) to investigate a cursed comic that turns a boy into the superhero of his geek dreams. The plot is Big meets Shazam!, but plays like a whimsical, even romantic, Twilight Zone about the relationship of fantasy to reality and the meaning of all superhero stories. It also gives you Erica Durance's Lois Lane in a Star Wars stormtrooper costume and a sexy Xena-esque ensemble. Yep: automatic A —Jeff Jensen

9-9:30PM Cartoon, TV-PG
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Obi-Wan goes on a mission to find a terrorist group. Dude, clean your own house first. Your apprentice is going to slaughter younglings.

10-10:30PM Food, TV-G
The Best Thing I Ever Ate
Food Network stars talk about their favorite chocolate treats. Not to be totally lowbrow, but I defy them to find anything as yummy as a Twix. Must. Find. Vending. Machine.

11PM-MIDNIGHT Comedy Central, TV-14-L
Season finale
John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show
Season 1 ends with a visit from Paul F. Tompkins, who's been sorely missed since VH1 moronically canceled Best Week Ever.

8:30-9AM Disney XD, TV-Y7
Kick Buttowski -- Suburban Daredevil
Are the suburbs keeping Clarence Buttowski from a life of badassitude? Or the fact that his name means ''Give me a wedgie now''?

8-11:30PM NBC
Men's Alpine Skiing: Downhill
Back in 2006, world champion Bode Miller seemed to mistake the Olympics for a frat party, blowing every event and talking about skiing intoxicated. The next year, he went and quit the U.S. ski team. Thankfully, he's back and, after a 2008 World Cup win, racing in top form. Will a medal tonight at Whistler mountain kick-start an American ski party? Easy there, Bode. Let's hold off on Miller time for now.

8-10PM BBC America
Series debut
Survivors
Ninety percent of the world's population succumbs to a flu pandemic, and the remaining rainbow coalition of survivors wanders aimlessly through deserted U.K. streets in this '70s-series remake. Imagine the early parts of 28 Days Later stretched out to a feature-length pilot. It's the end for the world as we know it, and I feel bored. C —Keith Staskiewicz

10-11PM HBO, TV-MA
Bill Maher...But I'm not wrong
Despite your curious affection for shiny-fabric suits, I'm inclined to agree.

NOON-5PM Fox
Daytona 500
Will Jimmie Johnson win his fifth championship? I'm told millions of people care.

7-11PM NBC
Women's Alpine Skiing: Super Combine
Wanna know how badass Lindsey Vonn is? In 2006 she wiped out during an Olympic practice run, got airlifted off the mountain, was hospitalized, then returned to race. Girl power!

8-9PM CBS
Season premiere
The Amazing Race 16
If you aren't one of the 40 million people who have seen former Miss Teen USA contestant Caitlin Upton answer a question about geography, get thee to your nearest YouTube. And then pray she can find the airport tonight.

8-11PM Investigation Discovery
Series debut
Prison Wives
I guess it's a good night for this 13-part documentary series to premiere, considering the people who'd relate most can't exactly have a romantic dinner with their spouses.

8:30PM-CONCLUSION TNT
2010 NBA All-Star Game
I have the hugest crush on Steve Nash. He's sensitive (read: short), artsy (read: long-haired), and super popular (hey, he was voted onto the All-Star team). For those reasons and not one more, I hereby give the Valentine's Day present of watching the All-Star game to my husband, Steve. Love you! (And, uh, that other Steve, too.)

8:30-9PM Fox, TV-14-DLV
The Cleveland Show
First, she played a whore in Nine. Tonight, she plays a high-maintenance cat lover. We applaud your range, Fergie.

9-10PM TLC, TV-14-DLS
Sextistics: Your Love Life
How does your love life measure up? If you're watching TV now, not well.

9-11PM ABC, TV-PG
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Tyler Perry is this week's ''Get on the Bus'' celeb. I keep waiting for someone to say, ''Yeah, thanks for the bus offer, but I'll stick to my chauffeured Mercedes.''